So call me old fashioned in this Miss California gets redeemed for being a ditz by Trump's comb-over world, but today men just don't know what constitutes a date. Back in our parent's day, hell actually BEFORE that, a respectable date consisted of a guy arriving at your door, ringing the doorbell, and escorting you to a nice evening somewhere. You were both dressed in less than your Sunday best but more than business casual. He might have been well mannered enough to present you with a corsage. Yes, my friends, the corsage was not just a prom ritual. You would either dine somewhere that was delightfully upscale than the local pub and proceed to a movie or a stroll down some romantic lane, playing 20 questions. He might have even swerved you around some broken glass, or hung his jacket around your shoulders because you got an evening chill. If this imagery is failing for you, please see the movie Say Anything (classic but still relatable).
Today, the idea of a date, means... well hell I have no clue. So far I have had guys deem a date as something as simple as meeting up for coffee. Then there was the time that I met someone for a bite to eat with my 5 year old in tow (note: if the kid is with me, its not a date). Then there was the guy who pestered me for days via IM to just meet him on the corner for a kiss and then we'd know whether to go forward (in his opinion). I once had a guy who I had been talking over phone or text for weeks, show up at my building at 8am still on XTC from the party he just left, and wanted to meet me (for the first time) in person. We later through-out the day went to eat and walked around Santa Monica. Surreal experience to say the least. Then of course lets not forget Blog #1 (The Hand)... So what exactly constitutes a date nowadays. Is it dinner and a movie, with sex expected at the end? Is it just a scheduled face to face meeting in this cyber-networking world? Is a cup o' joe enough, or should the evening have an average length of get-to-know-you time, say 4 or 5 hours. Should you plan the evening, or should it be left up to the guy? I am not even going to get into the who should pay thing!
Well I can't speak for everyone, and I am sure most guys would say something akin to meet, say hello, do the dirty, and call you in a few days would be their idea of a great date. So I will attempt to define my idea of a date. First, I am not paying. Not because I think a guy should always pay, but because I have a kid, and life is a struggle enough for me, plus I am going to have to pay a sitter to go out anyway. The next logical step for me to consider an evening out a DATE, is for the guy to meet me at my building or pick me up in his car. I expect him to be well dressed. I once went on a date with a guy, whom I had been out on a date with before and he, knowing we had a date, showed up in a wife beater and flip flops; then ran to the retail store in my building to pick up a hoodie to throw over it. This just made me feel embarrassed and well like I wasn't important enough for him to have been prepared. I never let him know my displeasure being too gracious a person for that, but inside my head I was seething with annoyance.
Next, Don't be late. I am a very time conscious person. So don't tell me 8 and show up at 8:15. Especially not a first date! That tells me for sure that you are not an accountable person. So assuming that all these things have been accounted for, then I would say that dinner would be an obvious next step, unless there was some other arrangement. For me, a first date would be something intimate, somewhere you can talk. Not a party, or a night club. Yea, Yea, I can hear the grumbles from the peanut gallery saying "but those places take the pressure off". Honey, if you are worried about pressure, why are you even going out on a date in the first place? There are many places to go, and I don't think a movie is one of them. I don't think a movie is a good place for a first date, maybe a third date... why? You can't talk at a movie, and nowadays they are as expensive as a meal at a nice restaurant. Not to mention what if you get stuck seeing something that you don't want to see? He's not going to dig a chick flick, not that I really do either, but what if you don't really want to see that slasher film or the idiotic comedy trash that they put out today? NO movie on a first date!! Living in Los Angeles, there are so many other options, such as a visit to the Getty Museum (great day date) or the Griffith Observatory. A walk on the beach at Venice, or even the Santa Monica Pier. Okay, so you got the picture, do something.
Skipping to the end of the evening, I have to say that I am annoyed with the way our society has trivialized the first date. I am not going to hook up, and I am not going to sleep with you. Period. That might have been fun when I was in my 20's, however, now I have seen the wisdom of our elders. I am not saying that bad things always come from the one night stand or the make out sessions, there is just a point when you realize its all the same and taking your time in getting to know someone makes alot more sense than raging hormones. I think a nice hug, and maybe if the guy is suave enough, a well planted kiss should suffice. Leave something to the imagination, even if that only lasts 'til the next date.
With all that said, I doubt I have answered what constitutes a date in this modern day lets figure out if we mesh in 2 seconds world. I guess each person has to make their own standards, but here is my one thought to all the guys, if you don't know what to expect, then ask. Maybe just in that asking you will know if you even want to make the effort, or not even waste your time.
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I think the definition of the word "date" has evolved somewhat over the years. I've always defined it like you do, but I've met a lot of people who just define date as two people doing something together--yes, it's been trivialized. Which I hate. Dinner somewhere nice and relatively quiet (where we can hear each other but people at the next table can't hear us) is what I consider the best for a first date. Though it's been a while. As for showing up late, or just out of the blue--uh, no. It shows a total lack of respect towards someone that one is hoping to have something serious with--not a good foot to start out on.
ReplyDeleteSo, right on! Jolly good show!
Man has one central program that outyells all of his other instincts. PRIME DIRECTIVE: "MATE-MATE-MATE-MATE". Society and our rules for better getting along are very new inventions. There are some things a man can do to quiet the beast temporarily for the sake of less distraction during the date (you can probably guess what I'm talking about). No matter how respectfully a man treats a woman on a date, his prime directive to mate is his ONLY goal, whether he realizes it or not. It is up to the woman to set the pace of their relationship and their rules of engagement... yes, like a war... or at least like a contest. The man will play the best hand he can with the ultimate goal of mating. Sometimes that hand is to be aggressive and sometimes it's to win her over by following her lead. No matter what his play, he ultimately wants to mate.
ReplyDeleteWhat is a date? A 'date' is what the word implies. A time and place where you agreed to meet. Therefore, meeting for a coffee = a *bad* 'date'. What you're looking for, Rox, is ritual 'courting'.
P.S. Dating is a TERRIBLE way to get to know a person. We men are ALL liars when we date. We are. We don't mean it, it's just our instinct to stick out our chest further than comfortable and act more brazen than usual. WE ARE TRYING TO ATTRACT A MATE... FOR MATING. It is no coincidence that the oldest societies on Earth all pair mates largely via arranged marriages... you know, people see this guy over here acting this way with these habits, and they see that girl over there with similarities and they gamble that these two kids might not have so much to fight about, being similar and all...