The toughest thing in a mother's life when she is single, is making decisions about your love life that will or won't affect your precious child. The choice to be a single mom was not mine. I didn't divorce him, and he knew about the baby, hell, at one point he wanted to marry me (so he said). However, he chose to leave for greener pastures. So the constant question in my life is always, how do I deal with not closing off my heart but not damaging my daughter's opinion of love? I met David when my daughter was around 1 1/2. So the couple of years we spent together seems okay. But the end was messy, and even though she was almost 4, well she felt it. So I didn't get seriously involved with anyone else for almost 3 more years. This time it lasted 8 months. This time, she felt it, but was oddly resilient. She thinks guys are fun to hang out with, but for the most part are jerks. She is almost 7. Is this what I wanted her to feel about love, and about men... no. Was it my fault? That is something that I wrestle with everyday. I don't want to be like Ms. Havisham. I don't want to be capricious about it either. So do I completely step away from the matters of the heart to avoid exposing my daughter to anymore heartbreak? Or do I understand that I am human, and I have needs, and should continue to take risks? Are there really any risks that you can calculate to minimize the damage, and aren't kids pretty quick to pick up things that you are hiding? I have an unusually close bond with my daughter. While I am a firm disciplinarian, I am also able to be her best friend, and she is mine. I have never lied to her, and don't want to start. But how do I explain to her, that mommy isn't going to let you ever meet another guy again because she can't be sure that she won't get hurt, and that she doesn't want her little one to get attached again. It is a tough road to travel. I have very little in the way of resources out here as far as babysitters, and well the world has changed so much that courting often comes after the sex. We have put the sexual component of a relationship on a far higher totem pole than actually getting to know someone. As much as I would love to be a woman in her 30's who was just getting her rocks off and loving the new world of sexual freedom, there is and always will be a part of me that is traditional. A part that wanted to be a good wife to someone, that wanted a home and house full of kids, and to drive that soccer van. There is always going to be a part of me, mostly because I have rarely gotten it, that would love to be wined and dined, and romanced. While these trappings are just the whimsy of the romantic comedy, I somewhere deep down believe that I deserve the fairytale. To be honest, my track record with men is so god awful, it wouldn't be hard for any guy to improve on my experiences. The hardest thing in deciding how you are going to approach any situation that involves a new beginning is that there is always someone out there ready to judge you. There is always someone who doesn't have a kid or who is married with kids, or who has seen irresponsible moms with their kids, that are going to raise an eyebrow to any decision you make. It is a hard line to follow being a single mom;with people already having preconceived notions about you, topping that off with opinions on how they think you should parent, and how they think you should have made this decision or that one. I have had so many people criticize me for having my daughter that it makes me sick to stomach the thought of the judgment that bores holes into my psyche.
So I ask again, what is right and what is wrong? Is it wrong for me to want to feel desired by someone? Is it wrong because of my horrid track record with men to keep the options open for another chance? Do I even deserve one? Is it right thinking for me to swear off men, deny myself any activity outside of career and child rearing? Is the fact that I choose commitment phobic and utterly unreliable men all my fault, or is it just bad luck? These are questions I wake up with every morning, amongst the million of other things that are on my thought list. It makes for a very stressful day. I am sure that everyone has variations on the theme. Opinions that could flow like rivers, to try to tell me what is appropriate or not. I just wonder, where is that gray area, so that I might stand there and look to both sides for myself, instead of people doing it for me.
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I sincerely feel that you shouldn't deny the human component (with all its faults) of your own personality, but you shouldn't deny your daughter the right to choose who to become attached to, or the chance to understand that some people aren't always the best choices for lifemates.
ReplyDeleteFinding the rare nugget of gold sometimes takes a bit of prospecting, and educating your daughter of this will involve exposing her to the possibility of heartbreak. But as people we need to learn these things; it's called maturity. Some gain it early in life, and others never mature.
If you deny yourself, human nature dictates that you would place at least a little blame of the loneliness on your daughter; that, to me, would be more unfair than to show her the real truth. There are a lot of guys that aren't right for you, but there's a few that aren't too bad, either.
Keep looking; finding the right guy that is mature enough to give you the love you deserve isn't an empty quest, and by helping your daughter learn that the truly valuable lessons in life aren't always easy to obtain is possibly the most important reason to keep true to yourself and keep trying.
I love the reference to Miss Havisham. Being a single mom is one of toughest jobs, and you home school. You need to go out and date or what have you. Don't let new prospects into your world so soon this time; let that be something they have to work toward.
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